Friday, July 20, 2007

My loss's in life.....

* Warning this contains some things that might not be suitable for younger people to read, if you are under age 18 ask your parent to read this first and decide if its OK for you to read*

I would like to write a little about the deaths of my Sons. Most of this sad and some of it horrifying but I've lived through this and I'm a changed person. I feel I lost my heart somewhere between the loss of my 2 Sons........This a subject I have a hard time talking about, not because there nothing to tell BUT because there IS........
A lot of harsh realities had graced my life by age 20. I had to accept what was a hard life and overcome it no matter what......
My first Son was Named Laurence but I called him Binky, He was born January 1, 1978. He lived 1 Month and 28 days. He died from SIDS. I remember he was the sweetest baby and I loved him but I didn't realize his time here with me was going to be short. He was advanced for his young age, He smiled at 2 weeks old and I like to think it was because his time was limited here on earth and he wanted to help me remember him so he smiled early, for me. I have very limited memories of his passing. I do remember getting my first complete nights sleep since he had been born only to discover my Baby had passed away sometime during the night. I knew when I rolled over and looked at the alarm clock and saw that it said 7:20 that something was terribly wrong. Its weird how we know these things. I also remember going to the hospital and looking past the Doctor into a room and seeing some blood and wondering if it was his, they didn't even tell me he was dead they just said someone would contact me, as I walked out of the emergency room I remember turning around and asking in a quiet voice, Is my Baby alive? The Nurse looked at me and said "hold on let me get a Doctor"..... That part is a blur, the next thing I remember is going back to my Mothers and having to tell everyone. I remember that I was placed on Valium and fast... I didn't shed one tear at my Son's Funeral I couldn't feel any thing.Maybe that was the better way to do it. I remember seeing this tiny, tiny casket. There were so many people there I didn't know lots of them. To this day I will never forget one thing, My Step Sister getting pissed that I had chose to have a closed casket. She was Southern Baptist and I guess that's what some of them think should happen, open for all to see.... I'm sorry but I just couldn't do it.That was hard, but not the hardest thing I would ever do, that would come later, years later.......
I would also realize years later that both of my Sons would die on the last day of the month of February and March.

I always thought that I had been forsaken, I had lost my Father to Divorce and Prison, My Mother married my Step Father 2 weeks after I turned 7 and I can remember thinking at such a young age that I finally would have a Dad of my own, Unfortunately it didn't take long to see that wasn't to be. After My Mom remarried I realize that I was not destined to have a happy or easy life. It turns out my Step Father was a Child Molester, at age 8 he started making sexual advances at me and what I didn't understand until a few years later is that he had already molested his oldest Daughter and that he was also starting to molest my 2 younger Sisters.
[All the years of my youth, I thought my real father didn't want us, Today I know this wasn't true, My Step Father had told him if he didn't leave us alone he would make sure my Mother prosecuted him for all the back child support he owed and that if he would leave us alone they would never ask him for a cent. He also told us kids that our Father didn't love us and that it was up to him to raise us right, I personally think that he didn't want my father in the picture because he could then molest us at his leisure].....He was a cruel person, but what was even crueler was that in rural Georgia in the early 60's Doctors felt sexual abuse was the wife's fault. My mother took us to the Doctor after I told her what was happening and they told my Mother to go home and fix her marriage. The even worse part is that my Mother stayed in the marriage for years and years , I was in my mid 20's when one of my younger sisters told on my Stepfather, It was his own full blood Daughter that he was trying to molest and she wouldn't take it so HRS stepped in and he was removed. He spent a small amount of time behind bars and then he was out to house arrest and never to be around small Children again. He died almost 18 years ago. It was Cancer. It was Painful and I'm sorry but I was glad , I refused to come to his death bed and he begged my Mother to come get me, but I told her NO! I would not come if he wouldn't admit what he had done and say he was sorry and you know he never would do that so he died without me seeing him. He robbed me of something I can never have back and I feel God finally punished him for being such a bastard!
Sorry I had to get that out.

my Son Bryan........

Bryan was born October 4, 1979 , little did I know that exactly 9 years 364 days later I would have another Son... William born October 3,1989 Isn't that strange ? I have had 3 Sons, 1 is alive and that's William (Will) . Bryan always was my little buddy. We played cars and I read to him and had a very special relationship when he was little. after his Father and I got a Divorce things were different between us and it wasn't until he came to live with me a few years before he died that we got close again. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. Its strange how we store memories to think about later on.
Bryan was 24, engaged, his career was taking off, he did NOT drink, use drugs, he smoked a cigar ever once in a while and a cigarette ever once in a while, that was it. He died in a car accident on his way to work. He had Dale Earnhardt injuries. I used to blame myself because If it were not for that stupid desk I just had to have maybe he would not have been running late and maybe he would not have died but that's just a way we as humans try to make sense of things like death. The truth of the matter is he was running behind a logging truck, I don't know what happened, the guy was making a turn and for some reason Bryan didn't stop. I cant tell you what it feels like to have a state trooper come to your house and to tell you that you have lost another child, Its something that only a person who has lost a child can understand.
Georg and I had went to dinner the night before, We had been trying to call Bryan and make sure everything was alright, he was to do some more moving and cleaning on the house that we all had just moved out of, we couldn't get a hold of him so we just figured we would see him the next day at work, . So we we finished our dinner and got the check and our fortune cookies.... I opened mine and this is what it said: Your dream will come true...... About 2 weeks before he passed away I had dreamed that he died in a car accident.......... But the next day we still had not heard from him it was April 1ST. - I told Georg I need to find out whats wrong with Bryan so I started calling everywhere in between Palm Coast and Hawthorne , Nothing.... So I called the State Troopers Office and they told me to hang on while they searched for something, the Girl came back on the line and said , Um Ma'am can we call you back in about an hour, I said yes , She mumbled about having to search more and I hung up........ I KNEW at that moment that My Baby was Dead, I started to pace back and forth, then at exactly 1 hour a Florida State Trooper Car pulled up to my house and he got out put his hat on, smoothed his outfit and walked up to my door.I knew the moment I saw his car that things would be different and that I had to face my harsh life again...... I started screaming and Georg tried to calm me but he himself was on the brink...... I have to say that the man let me hit him and he didn't even flinch he said Ma'am if I can do anything please let me know...... I remember thinking ....... WHAT CAN YOU DO??????
I then sat down and cried and I cried all the while my Husband was crying too, we both were blaming our selves and it still hurts to this day. I still ask Why me? Why My Sons, Had I not already gave once , why would God ask for me to sacrifice again...... I can't answer that but I will say this, It is not for us to question our Lord. He gives us tests and we have to show him how strong we are. I know that it says, God will never place any burden on us we can not carry, I can't say that I have passed all my tests, but I know I have sacrificed.....
Bryans memorial
Bryan's Memorial

We found the courage to call everyone and tell then what had happened, People took it like I thought. Some screamed, some consoled .... My mother came up to be with me, I needed that but what happened after that will and has changed my opinion of one of my Sisters and my Mother.... We were sitting at the table discussing Bryan's funeral arraignments and my Mother kept fussing about what this cost us and about what that cost us, The funeral cost almost 7000.00 and he was cremated, for some reason that bothered her. No one was offering to pay so why would they bitch about it is beyond me, but anyway then my drunk Sister kept digging into what his body looked like and if the casket could be open and she kept insisting that she go down and look, I kept saying no you don't need to because I KNOW it's him and leave it lay plus she had not saw him in years, so why in the hell would she think she should be the one to go look??? Well while Georg and I went out to take care of some things she took it upon herself to make a few phone calls and then gave my Mother the detailed information in front of my Young Son. Will, who was still trying to cope. When we got home Will told us what my Sister had done and Georg and I went ballistic, go figure,right..... the end of this story is this: My Mom did NOT come to her Oldest Grand Sons Funeral. Neither did My Sister... They refused, as they didn't[and still don't] understand why we were pissed off at them and not at Will for telling. another f my fine Sisters stayed in the Motel room and slept through Bryan's Funeral, Shes in her 30's and said no one woke her up ???? Needless to say, I don't understand my family and to me, we are dysfunction at its finest! It has been almost 4 years now.I miss my Son as much now as I did then. I never will know what might have been if he was still alive but I do know that for whatever reason it just wasn't meant to be. My Family copes the best that we can, Some of us still have not come to terms with it. Some of us have HAD to....... So here's the poem that was read at my Son's Funeral. It's Called the Dash.....
The Dash
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the second with tears,
but he said that what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth,
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard,
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
(You could be at "dash mid-range.")

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel. less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be pleased with the things they have to say
about how you spent your dash?

By Linda Ellis



Shelli said...

I am so sorry. With all you were dealing with and then having to justify yourselves to your mom and sister...That just sucks. I am sorry for all of your losses.

EllorionsAngel said...

Oh Momma,

You were so right on the part that when I read your blog I would cry and cry I did. I think thing I would have loved the most is to have had both of them live longer then they did. I always think of what it would have been to have another older brother. What he would have looked like and what he would have been.

The years I had with Bryan were well you know like tug a war. If I could give anyone thing to have him back I would! In a heart beat. I miss are little brother/sister fights and our long talks and I remember the last time I saw him, It was the day I left, I told him I loved him and I gave him a big hug and a kiss. LOL He was hesitant but he hugged me back and gave me a kiss. I told him take care and I will see you later. I didn't know that would be the last time I saw him. I cherish that moment in time so much. Because in that moment we showed are love to each other and only God new it was are last time.

We talked on the phone and internet. Bryan told Justin he had to talk to him about not hurting his baby sister. They never got to have that talk and Justin so regrets us not going up there for them to meet. We have even talked about all of us moving in together at one point. It's hard sometime to look at Justin because he looks so much like Bryan and it hurts but in a way it is a good thing because I get to see Bryan in him in those moments he looks like Bubby! =D

I miss his so much and yes I am one of the ones that hasn't gotten over it yet. I do believe I haven't because I didn't see him everyday. So it's like he is just a visit away.

I am glad I read this now and not at work. That would have been bad. I don't want to get emotional there. to have my co-workers ask what is wrong.

Thank You Momma for sharing.


Justin and I have to make a trip up there soon. Hopefully someday we will move closer to you guys. I need My Momma!
Love Always Your,
Angel Eyes

Bill Blunt said...

Another powerful, moving and thought-provoking post, Sugar Queen... thank you for the courage to share your tragedies. I know it takes a lot to do this, but it shows your inner strength.

All best wishes


fracas said...

Hugs to you Judy. I'm so sorry for your losses. No one can ever know, and no words will ever be enough, so please just know I have a million hugs for you.

The Dash is a poem I've used before. It gave me a little chill to see it here since it's not so well known. Continue to use your dash as you have been... making people happy, and I'm sure both your boys are looking down with pride!

Sugar Queens Dream said...

Thank you ALL........