Thursday, July 19, 2007

Tip toeing thru the boxes ....

Everywhere I look I see boxes.... Boxes marked with "sewing" "LR" "Bathroom" "Christmas" "Halloween" etc. I ask myself , "Will it ever end" I say..... Not likely! As I see it we had boxes in the shack house we just moved from. They had been there since the last moving days, So its likely they will not disappear again. Well maybe, We have made a promise in front of God and all of mankind that we will indeed start getting rid of stuff.... Georg and I started at the other house but, as time went on, we got more hurried and anxious to move out of the old house and into our new home so we quit sorting. This happens as one gets tired of looking and remembering . With this in mind I have started re-thinking what is a need and what is a want.

The move was very hard on me in more ways than one. My body just about gave up on me and decided that it would show me the end result if I didn't take time to rest and let the aches heal. For the past 2 days now I have rested, well sort of. I baked Chocolate Chip Cookies yesterday, I was having a crave for Chocolate and I love cookies .... I also stuffed a chicken with bread and corn bread dressing that was "Oh My God Good"! I cant find my camera so no pictures...... I will make it up to Y'all some other time....
Anyway, I was telling you why this move was difficult on me, I realized just how much I miss my Son Bryan, He told me about 2 months before he passed away that he would always be here for me and that he would always take care of me.... I had to face the fact that it was just not to be. We often make promises that are not in our control to keep. We must live each day as if its our last and try and remember it.
I was packing things in my closet and found the paper work from his funeral, his wallet,his ear ring and I also found his shaving kit, in there was his brush and razor, a can of shaving cream and some Old English after shave, which I thought strange because he was only 24 and used AXE. I realized then how final death is and that we[the ones left behind] are the ones that ache for our losses. I cried as I looked at love letters and cards from him and his Girl Friend Chenoa, The promises they had made and the love they shared. It really made me think about how much we all lost.
I saw the autopsy report again, I had forgot something that struck me to the very core when I read it the first time, on his hand Chenoa had wrote in indelible ink the words " I love you" they were surrounded by a heart.....it was still on his hand and when the Medical examiner wrote his report, he had recorded even that small detail. I yearn for my Son to be alive so that I can tell him just how much I loved him and how he always made me proud...... There's always unfinished business when most people die, things left to say, promises to be kept, life left still needing to be lived.... But death is final.....

I think that moving made me happier in some ways, but also made me realize that sometimes things are broke and cant be fixed no matter what.... I'll explain that some other time..... I'm sorry but I just don't want to rehash that at this point. I think that some times we romanticize certain things as a way to keep them alive.

I also have found things I didn't know I had like a set of 3 baskets with Roosters painted on them, I wish I knew who gave them to me LOL, I would like to thank them because they make a nice wall decoration.... I found bag of yarn that my Mom gave me to make a Afghan as if that's gonna happen LOL.....
I found I am really in need of more bins for things and we can have 7 Christmas Trees this year if we want, because I have enough ornaments and lights to decorate the earth! Ye haw
!
I still need a bird house though because there are birds every where here and since I spend a lot of time smoking outside now I would like to watch them.......
I bet all of you don't know I love doing Jig Saw puzzles ! I have about 25 of them I have done just need to sell them now at a yard sale, as once I do one, I never do it again.....

I love my Kitchen I have so much room for dishes and all of my Cake Decorating stuff fits in my pantry that's a God send.....
I would love my Laundry area if the wall socket for the Dryer fit, Its a four prong and we have a 3 prong dryer LOL LOL...
OK that's it for today here at my new home, I'll be back tomorrow I hope with better stuff to entertain you...
Peace!

5 comments:

Day Dreamer said...

I love and hate coming upon things of my fathers. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I cannot imagine losing a child. They are supposed to outlive us! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I don't know what else to say but that. I'm glad you have more room, tho, and that the move is done.
I'm eating chocolate chip cookies with you in spirit!

EllorionsAngel said...

Oh Mom!
I just broke down about the part about Bryan. I miss him so much! It is insane to think It has been almost 4 years now. I miss him terribly. The tears are just streaming now, but I know we have to let go. Still just having a hard time with that.
I love you!

Glad you are resting!
Call Me when you get a chance!
XOXO
Love Your Angel Eyes

JaniceNW said...

Big Hugs. I know what you mean and how you feel. Sigh. Hugs, giid vibes and love coming your way.

Shelli said...

I am sorry for the loss of your son. I am a newer reader is there somewhere that I can look to find out more about your loss? Or, if you don't mind, I would love to hear about it from you. Or if I am being nosy, just tell me to go away.

Shinade said...

Oh hun...I have lost many loved ones very close to me...but, never a child...not as yet..God willing I hope I never have to face that. But, as I was reading your description and you remarked how very sad you were reminded that Bryan was no longer with you---yet it was after that---that you found his things. I find these things very curious---maybe, just maybe--he was telling you that he really is still with you---just in a different way. Maybe they were found for him to say Hi mom, I am still around watching over you...I don't know---sometimes I just wonder about such things, I do so hope I didn't bring up anything that would hurt you again---I am thinkin' of you sweety-God Bless~jackie